Tonight, it will be 9 years since my father died. The pain is still there 9 years later, though not as fresh as it once was. Grief comes to the surface on days like today. It manifests itself in tears and an ache that fills the giant hole left behind in my heart.

The part that amazes me about death & grief is the large amount of growing & changing that happens. There's something beautiful in that pain like a budding flower or a caterpillar becoming a butterfly. We can't see the change when the process starts and struggle to understand, but part of being human is not quite understanding. We won't really comprehend what has happened or what God is doing until we see the flower in full bloom or the gorgeous butterfly with it's brilliant colors and he allows us to see. That's the beauty of grief combined with God's hand, comforting and guiding us through the darkness.

I'd have to say the first year was the hardest, because of the raw pain and the physical side effects of grief: the knot in your stomach, the countless tears, the lack of concentration & focus, the restless heart, the sleepless hours, and the ache for the person we lost. Since then, whenever I go through something new, the grief can come up again. Firsts syndrome is the name I'd like to give to it. (The other cause that brings back pain or grief has to do with the stimulation of memory. This could be either a blessing or a curse depending on whether you want to feel the grief.)

God has revealed his purposes in time within my own life surrounding the loss of my life. So all I can do now is to trust him and continue to allow myself to heal.

Marlin O. Minnich
Sept. 7, 1953—Sept. 1, 1999